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Gambled as long as I can remember

Published: 22 Sep 2016

Hi. I have gambled as long as I can remember, started as a child loved nothing better than seeing the flashing lights and the buzz. I got from winning something, my mother has always knew I gambled, slots are my downfall I have seen myself - now there isn't gas, electric or food in the cupboard and I gambled my last penny knowing selfishly my family would loan me money to get me back. This all came to a head 18 months ago, I completely crossed the line and stole from my family am absolutely appalled with myself but when you have gambling constantly on the brain you really don't care who you are hurting or upsetting, what it is doing to your family, selfish I know but it's completely the truth. At one point I was getting paid at midnight and I wouldn't have a penny left by 2am - I could stay up all night gambling online, the feelings were awful. Yes I have thought about suicide, yes I have literally planned my own death whilst spinning the wheels, thinking if I die no one will care anyway. I have put my partner through hell and back, lost our home through it and he still sticks by me and loves me dearly. Tonight something has happened in my head and I think I have finally admitted I have a serious problem and I need to break free of this hold gambling has on me - if am totally honest my problems have improved I don't do online gambling, I don't have access to my account so I can get money but not lots. I am going to join GA and speak about my problems and also speak on the GamCare Forum. I can beat this for no one else but for me I have a fantastic job as does my partner and we have nothing to show for it to the outside world. I love like a normal happy person in a loving family but I am far from it... I will best this illness, I will beat the demons in my head, I will beat this and look at my family and say I have finally done it.

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